Sleepless

I'm having another difficult night getting to sleep. So here I sit in front of my computer, bloggin'. I know I should be snugged up in my bed, beneath the comforter trying just a little bit harder to get into the zone, but I need to write this down. I'm not kidding, since starting this blog, literally, a reservoir of emotions have imploded deep inside of me and this blog helps with the overflow of all the feelings. It's weird. Over the past few months I've tried hard not to think about Kenny. It hurts too much. Things like how he loved to tease...Kenny had a really dry sense of humor and if you didn't know him you wouldn't know he was even jokin', or that you were the butt of his jokin'. His heart was monstrously huge. There's nothing he wouldn't do for anybody, especially his kids and everybody else's kids. He loved coconut cream pie and German chocolate cake, my personal favorites. Matter-of-fact, I recall several occasions calling him on his birthday to tell him how much I was enjoying the celebration of such a monumental occasion by attempting to eat, in his honor, a whole cake by myself. Yum. He'd say, "You know you've got issues right?" On this past August 4th, the first birthday without him, I made a German chocolate cake, lit one candle (he once asked me if I would remember him on his birthday by lighting a candle), and single-handedly I consumed the entire cake. I remember his smile, fleeting, but a smile so sincere it made his eyes twinkle, and although I wish this particular memory would fade, I remember all the pain behind those sad eyes that last time I saw him. It's incredible to me that I'll never see him again, my little bro. And when I close my eyes and try to sleep, I can see him so clearly sometimes, and I really struggle with that. I can still hear his voice. Ya know? It's always right there on the edge of my memories, and oh it hurts my heart. God, I miss him. So now I'm writing, and I'm crying, and trying to stop crying, because for some reason since I got the incision on my neck (had part of my thyroid removed), my throat gets really sore and uncomfortable when I cry. Okay, enough. I'll count some sheep now.