BLOGGIN' IT!

Look at me, I'm bloggin', yea, yea, yea, I'm bloggin'! I feel seriously empowered right now. I have a voice. I'm here to write whatever I want, whenever I write. My mind is an open book and believe me there are some out there who will not want to turn the next page, but that's okay. It'll be like opening a door and stepping into my head, my thoughts, and I'll be honest, sometimes it's scary in here, even for me. But here's the thing, this is my forum, my party so to speak, and nobody is allowed in without my permission. How cool is that? My thoughts will flow onto the screen as I blog 'em and I'll make no excuses to anyone, anyhow, anyway for bloggin' because if someone takes offense at the way I blog', they need only to look for the "Exit" sign and do just that...exit. Nobody has to be here. This is the place where I can grieve and what sane person would even want to be a party to that if it's not mandatory? But I have to be here. I do. It's my way of finding a way around this heart ache that won't give me peace. In this place I've created I can express how losing my brother, Kenny, in December is as painful today as the day it happened, and not worry that my statement will be interpreted as permission for a (I'll admit it) well meaning somebody to begin a long, drawn out sermon on grieving, like people sometimes feel compelled to do to "help". Here, I can express that sometimes I cry all day (still) when I can't pick up the phone and call mom. I cry (still) that I will never hear her voice. And I cry (still) when I think of that day when we could do nothing but sit around her hospital bed and watch her fade away. I just didn't hold on long enough. And here I can admit without guilt or worry that I'll be committed, that I'm blubbering right this minute like a new born baby, because as my thoughts materialize in front of me, it's so easy to relive the bad moments. But I can do that here. It's okay and hopefully one day only the good moments will surface. The other day I saw a preview for "24". Kenny used to get so excited over the new season. He'd tell me not to call while it was on but because Arizona changed time zones (or perhaps it's us that changed), I'd forget sometimes and call him at the exact time his show was coming on. Oh heck I was just trying to bug him. I'm his sister, it's what I'm supposed to do. He'd pick up the phone, say one thing "24" then hang up. So I'd call him back and make him talk or threaten to tell him what happened since it came on here first. Just evil. I hate those previews now, and can't wait for that show to get off the air. How dare they continue it without him.