Life was an insane idea, no, no...strike that, wrong word. I've seen the creation of it before and insane isn't a word I'd use to describe something that incredible. So, I guess it's not the creation of life that has me completely perplexed, it's more the reasons behind its existence and our immersion within it. I mean don't get me wrong, for the record I do appreciate mine. I just think sometimes it's more agonizing than it needs to be. I get the life and death thing. No really I do. In order for there to be life, death is an absolute. It's the timing I have issues with. Of course, life dragging on into infinity would be...well, ridiculous. Seriously, I wouldn't want to live with the cellulite on my thighs for all eternity. That's just wrong. But passing on should be reserved for perhaps age 100 and over or something. And why is it mandatory that we suffer? That part really sucks. I know the answer probably goes back to the beginning, the Alpha, the Omega and all that, but I just can't help but wonder if there could have been a more fitting punishment for Adam and Eve's crime without involving all of us to come. I mean, literally, generation after generation left to pay for their disobedience seems a bit extreme. No disrespect, but they ate one apple for Pete's sake, it's not like they baked pies out of them and sold them on the black market for profit. And now because of that infamous pair, the world is in a complete state of chaos, and we are left to deal with the residual effects which have manifested as grief, pain, violence, greed, obesity, self-hatred, self-loathing, flatulence (yes, gas is evil), insecurity, politicians, lawyers dot dot dot. You get what I'm saying.
I personally blame Adam for everything. No, hear me out, I'm not hatin'. Adam was the King of his very own paradise a.k.a. Eden. In paradise, he got to hang out, literally, doing his thing, you know, laying around buck naked all day, feet kicked up on a rock, drinking something comparable to a brewsky, burping out of both ends and scratching himself. Living every man's dream doing what he wanted, when he wanted. So anyway, he starts to get a little bored right? So he seeks counsel with the big guy and complains, whines and whimpers that he needs a little companionship. So the guy upstairs asks him what he has in mind. Adam scratches his head in thought. He feels a bit put out because he's not used to doing his own thinking and after a while says, "I need someone who'll listen to me when I speak, and validate everything I say by agreeing with me." Again some head scratching. "Someone who'll put me before everything and all others." He smiles, "I think I have just the thing." Lightening & thunder strike as he lifts robed arms to the sky, "IT IS DONE! However," He says, "Walk with me. We need to discuss a few ground rules."
So the next morning while Adam's sitting around as usual, eating, drinking and scratching, in walks someone made in his likeness (two arms, two legs), long wavy hair a man could lose his way in, that hangs down her back, and a few interesting physical adjustments which Adam finds very pleasing, he smiles. "Hi, I'm Eve," the Goddess speaks. Well Adam, feeling really pleased with the Gift, stands up and wipes his now sweaty palms on his...um thigh and shakes her hand. "Welcome Eve," Adam says flexing his muscles like he's all that, before waiving his arms out to encompass the world around them, "This is Eden." There's something else he intends to discuss with her but can't think straight with her smiling at him like that. Oh well, how important can it be right?
Okay, so Adam and Eve get along really well. On one particular day Adam is getting a bit of sun and relaxation, pretty much doing nothing like he did before Eve, and Eve is spending time in the gardens. The thought that he's forgetting something very important continues to plague him. Oh, he thinks with joy, when Eve gets back he wants to invite her to his special place for a bit of frolicking. He's basking in the rays, when he hears her soft footsteps on the ground. He opens his eyes, and the ready smile on his lips quickly turns to a frown. He whimpers. "Oh Damn."
His Goddess stands before him with both arms filled with shiny red just-off-the-forbidden-limb apples from the forbidden garden. Her perfect lips are curved into the most enchanting smile as she extends an offering of fruit. What's a man to do? After all, he never actually explained to her that Eden had rules, one being the picking of fruit off a certain tree. Before he can stop himself he grabs the apple from her lovely hands and unable to tear his eyes away from those mesmerizing liquid green ones of hers, takes just one bite and tastes a sweet nectar.
Okay so He is peeved at Adam and Eve's disobedience by breaking the one major rule on Eden. The next morning, a serious storm cloud looms over Eden bringing with it a torrential downpour, with thunder and lightening that rips across the sky with long bony fingers. Eve, upset over the drastic change from their previous sunny days to this frightening storm, turns to Adam for comfort. Hindsight's 20/20 but he figures this is a good time to tell her the rule about not eating the fruit on the only tree in Eden. She is of course furious that he failed to relay this important message before she picked the apples, and begins to rant and rave at him. While she stands in front of him with as much fury as the storm raging around them, all of a sudden he sees her as if for the very first time. Man, he thinks, with all those apples she's been munching on along with everything else, she's getting a bit thick around the middle. He decides perhaps this is a good time to bring it to her attention so she can do something about it. Mortified over his displeasure, Eve runs away weeping. When she returns, what seems like hours later, she's covered her nakedness with some palm leaves she finds in the garden and suggests with a whole lot of attitude she didn't have before, that he do the same because she explains, she's sick and tired of looking at his enormous belly, compliments of his pals gluttony and sloth. She's still pissed over his comment about her weight. She'd considered herself to be a very confident and forward-thinking woman and now finds herself struggling with self doubt and insecurity. Their relationship only goes downhill from there. The story goes that Adam and Eve had a bunch of kids together with Eve piling on about 50 plus pounds, and they ultimately end up staying together for the sake of the kid's, however hated every single minute spent in each other's company.
Oh and for the record, most of what I've said here is pure speculation on my part in case you haven't figured it out. Well, actually, to be honest all of it is speculation combined with alot of whimsy.
But you do agree right? It's Adam's fault. If he hadn't needed somebody around 24/7 to stroke his pitiful ego, or if he'd just remembered to tell Eve about Eden's rules, we wouldn't be going through all this hell right now. Seriously though, I'm not hatin' on Adam, just dealing with some serious cramps and a bad attitude.
I warned you though. I can be whimsical.
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