Merry Freekin' Christmas

My plan was that during the hustle and bustle that is very much the Christmas way, I would spend the morning of December 24th at the airport caught up with all the other travelers. This was my cure for an ailing and wounded heart. I was determined not to sit around in a familiar environment without the familiar, without Kenny and mom. So that's what I did. The day before Christmas Eve I braved the snow and made my way to Tony's in Renton, to celebrate Christmas early with my oldest son and his girlfriend, Ashley. It was nice, very peaceful. Early the next morning, Tony drove through a virtual blizzard to drop me off at the door of the airport, where I checked in and then sat on a plane with other passengers, who probably shared my doubts that the plane would even be able to take off in the storm; rumor had it all the afternoon flights to Hawaii had been cancelled. It's weird, but although missing mom is painful, it's an ache I'm learning to live with. But my bro was younger than me, and losing him - it'll be one year this Sunday - is just not acceptable to me. I guess time is just going to take a bit longer to do it's thing. So anyway, the plane was delayed almost two hours while the de-icer did it's job of de-icing the entire plane. As the plane was bathed in a green poisonous chemical - the same stuff that ended up sending passengers on Alaska Airlines to the hospital in ambulances -we sat gazing out the window, our vision blurred as stuff streamed down like puke-colored tear drops. As the green stuff melted the snow, I sat there wishing it could melt back all those really precious moments with mom and Kenny that now represent our past; a past I'm struggling to leave behind me.

So here I am on Christmas day in freekin'' paradise, Hawaii, with my son, his wife and my beautiful granddaughter Diamond. The weather is incredible, warm with a nice pleasant breeze; kind of like Seattle in early spring. I'll be living large in Hawaii for 2 1/2 weeks, and I'm grateful to be here because my granddaughter is a little dynamo and she makes me feel important again. I guess the point I'm trying to make and the reason I'm even writing in this blog right now is that I'm so damn exhausted from trying so hard to act like Kenny's passing is okay with me because I feel like I'm supposed to. It's not okay. Xavier, the man I've been trying to have a relationship with for almost 8 long years, says I'm choosing to be sad right now because otherwise I'd focus on the good memories and all the good in my life. It sounded really good advice, no great advice, and I know there are many who would belt out a hearty Amen! in agreement, unfortunately understanding what he means and even being able to admit that there's some truth to his opinion, on a planet where understanding has even the slightest chance of becoming more, I still feel the way I do (although incredibly grateful for my life and the special people in it). And I have to add this, more than anything on this entire planet, I hate when people feel compelled, yes compelled 'cause I can't think of any better word to describe this thing that motivates people to speak instead of just shutting up and listening, to remind me at a point in my life when I'm feeling low and vulnerable enough to actually confide in someone, of all that I need to be grateful for. It's almost like because I have so much in my life, I have no right or reason to feel the way I feel. Even knowing how fortunate I am to have two really great sons, sons anybody would be proud of, and my granddaughter who I spent the day with putting together Barbie Cruise Ship she got for Christmas and slipping beads on string to make necklaces and bracelets, the siblings I have left, my dad, my nieces and nephews and all the really good people I call friends...I am grateful! I don't need a reminder. I'm still sad because when I lose any one of these precious people in my life, a piece of me is lost as well. I know I have to move past this and I'm working on it. Just obviously not at a speed that meets everybody's approval. But I've always taken things in harder, processed it longer, felt it deeper.ust got to learn to deal better. And that's all there is to it.

All that said, this is only my second day here and I'm definitely in need of an attitude adjustment. Things will get better after the holidays, I'm sure of it because the holidays bring out all the emotional crap we carry around. I'm so aware of it. I came to Hawaii to escape my feelings as if I could leave them behind in Washington with the snow and the rain and everything that is painful to me. That was really stupid. As much as I might want to sometimes, I can't leave my grief behind, not right now anyway.

Okay, so I'm trying to come up with a good ending for this post but I got nothing. So I'll just end it by saying, I got a really great camera from Tony before I left Washington and I'm going to take so many pictures of my Diamond to share with my family and friends. I'm in Hawaii for Pete's sake, and I get to spend a lot of quality time with my granddaughter so how blessed am I right now? Pretty blessed!